the only thing i know is happiness and deep pain.
odd combination.
the happiest times for me are often the saddest times too. i don't understand myself and i will not try to. the more i try to figure myself the further i get lost.
rowdy is back home for about three weeks then back to work in afghanistan. i love him he makes me sooo happy. he's the only person i kno that wants nothing from me and the best for me. im glad hes home again. my beautiful sister is also in town so that makes my life so much easier to live. i miss being around the people i love.
now its just me and my mom. its so hard to get things done for myself she drains me completely. it makes me sad to say but its true. it's awful.
my lil brother and his wife moved out about 2 weeks ago. but i see my bro almost everyday since we work together. he's a jerk wad. he really is. but i love him. story time...for the past two weeks since we haven't had to go to tx and rowdy was coming home me and my mom did some hardcore cleaning. mainly i did it all she complained and gripped at me the whole entire time until i was done. hah...nvrmind i was going to say something bad but i wont. anyhow i cooked tonight like i do most of the time. nothing i do goes noticed, people always want more and more from me. im sick of it. back to what i was saying... i'm being betty crocker. so i made this roast with potatoes and carrots. and i made awesome zucchini casserole. well food was done and rowdys flight got delayed so i had to keep food warm when he finally got home i was making last minute things to go with dinner. well he got home and everyone was hungry and we were all sitting around talking and catching up. well the timer went off so i jumped up to go check on the food and my brother says look at the fatass running in there so she can be the first to the food. i ignore him tho it hurts me deeply. they all kno im sensitive about my weight and appearance. anyhow i get food ready and make plates for everyone and we all eat. it was lame the whole time i was thinking how can he be such an ass for no reason at all? no one ever appreciates anything i try to do for them. i go about of my way for them and they want more from me. i never have time to take care of myself. i've been out of school for a year now. i've been trying to slowly save so i can get a car and go back to school and i was doing well until i had to help my mom deal with the things in tx. which im not saying i regret i'm glad i did what i could to help but it set me back financially. so now i have to start all over again. and no on cares or wants to do anything to help me. its sad. i have asked for help and let then kno i dont want a lot just a lil help and it will all be payed back in time but so far its just more problems. my sister is great shes the only one who has offered me help but i dont want her to just GIVE me money. i want to BORROW money and pay back when i'm able to do so. blah blah blah. enough about that.
another story. for the past 2-3 mo. ive been going to dallas with my mom to take care of my grandma and my grandmas things. my uncle grandpa and two aunts live in that area and have done pretty much nothing that needed to be done they left it for my mom and myself to take care of. which we did. it was a horrible experience.i want to stay away from people who are not in my immediate family. so when my grandma passed she did not have a burial service in tx her body was shipped straight to maine where she was born and raised. so we were setting up a memorial for the family and people who knew her, it was to be held in tx at her church. so when it came down to making the decicsion about the date for the service they couldnt make a decision. so when my mother and i suggested it be on a tuesday. they all seemed to think it was a good idea. this is when things get ugly. actually i left a ugly part out already i'll mention it later. tuesday worked perfectly my aunt and her family were going to houston for the weekend b/c her husbands grandma was ill. my evil cousin kelly was going to be in chicago until monday afternoon. and it gave time for the people who live out of state time to get there. so we discussed the memorial date over a week in advance and they all seemed to agree it would be best for everyone if it were held on tuesday. i make calls to my cousins who live in arizona and wyoming also to my sister who is living in virginia to let them all know when its going to be held so they could all ask for time off work and make plans to get there. the next afternoon things go bad. my uncles come in and say they talked to the pastor guy and say the pastor wants it to be on wednesday. so we( my mom aunt and i) say we already told everyone to take off tuesday and people already made flight plans call the guy back he can work it in on tuesday and tell him it would be best for everyone if it were helf on tuesday. then my uncles start talking crap to my mom and i so we walk out. then my uncle comes for more attacking us about it. and my moms emotional they all are b/c their mother just died. anyhow.. he's attacking my mom so i speak up top him and let him kno he's in the wrong. then things get worse. i wont get in to detail about it. this is a long story already. anyhow i get upset pack my things tell my lil cousins bye and i love them...all that jazz, trying to stay calm. then walk out of the house. it was a bad deal.
i left some main parts out and prolly told you things that didnt really need to be said. example: yeah so i got in a fight with my unlce...btw he was wearing a green shirt... haha i dont say what the fight was over or what was said but i tell you a bunch of irrelevant things. this story is long and no one will read this so... whatever. im the worst story teller in the history of story telling. i'm not too sure why im writing about this at all. i'll quit. im tired.
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